No Room In Frame

This is a short story based on the song, No Room In Frame by Death Cab For Cutie.

https://genius.com/Death-cab-for-cutie-no-room-in-frame-lyrics#note-4958377

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September 16,

Dear Diary,

I don’t know where to begin. Everything happened so quickly that I barely had time to process it before it was over. I feel like there’s too many things that I can’t remember.

My departure from Los Angeles was sad, to say the least. Alix and I had already separated in July, but it felt as if I disappeared like a trend. I doubt any of my acquaintances there will contact me. After all, most of them were people I had met through Alix.

I remember driving back, in the hum of the five in the early morning. I don’t know why, perhaps I was delaying my return, but I drove slowly. I remember taking my time as I made my way up through Coalinga, through the valley.

I don’t know why, but this highway lived in my mind. I thought of it periodically, and more often than not in the latter months of my stay.

I remember passing the sign that says ‘To Coalinga’ and I would think, “I want to take it. It takes me back to the place that made me.”

I remember sending Alix a text maybe a week before we broke up. It read as: Was I in your way, when the cameras turned to face you? I feel like there is no room in frame for us two.

Even though I felt better driving home, you cannot outrun a ghost. At first I tried to; speeding southbound lanes with abandon. I remember stopping in Coalinga, as I had planned to spend the night there. But I was still beset with these ghosts.

It caught me on the coast, and then again on the cliffs of the palisades. I didn’t know what to do, I still hadn’t had time to process everything. I remember stopping at the edge of a cliff. I killed the engine.

I remember my feelings and depression weighing on me. It weighed on both of us, I remember feeling like a fly on the wall, just watching. I always felt disconnected whenever Alix and I would fight. I knew my sadness affected things, and I would think, “Well there it is, hovering above reeling bodies failing to discover the thing they once knew was love. And there they go, raising their voices to convince one another.”

I can’t help but feel like Alix’s success was getting to his head. I felt as though I and our relationship was overshadowed by his career.

To be fair, it launched far quicker than either of us were prepared for. It was a young relationship that we both rushed into.

He still hasn’t answered my text.

Was I in your way, Alix? When the cameras turned to face you, did you think of me, sitting at home? Or did you forget me for the lights and reporters? I wonder what you thought to yourself. Did you think there was no room in frame for two? Did you think I would’ve stolen your spotlight?

I remember he hated when I stood too close to him, especially if we were taking pictures. I think I know why now.

I started to hate California. Initially, I thought it would be a nice change of scenery, and then I met Alix..

But how can I stay in the sun, when the rain flows all through my veins?

I was in denial about this at first, I thought it was just the stress of the move, but it's true.

And I guess it's not a failure we could help. I don’t really think we could have done anything to help the situation. It was hard to see Alix seduced like that.

I suppose we will both go on to get lonely with someone else.

• Ben